I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
