Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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