Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
