Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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