Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
