When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
