Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
