If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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