If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
