If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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