guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
