There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
