i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize