I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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