I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
