She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
