is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
