whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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