This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
