the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Mom said you looked used
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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