Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
