the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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