my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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