I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
