she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
