Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
