I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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