We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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