Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
