You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
