I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
