My room smells like vodka and shame
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
