I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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