Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
