Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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