did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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