Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
4 words: hood of his car
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
