We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
