Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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