My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize