He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
