i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
