this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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