I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
