All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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