We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
