I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
