The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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