Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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