and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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