i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
