my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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