I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize