OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
thus making me awesome and them whores
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
