the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
