We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wear drunk well.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
