just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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