I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize