Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
