I puked a lego.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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