i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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