It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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