My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
