Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
